During these last days...

On Wednesday night I completely melted. I gave way to the instability of hormones, life changes and motherhood sensitivity. And it all started because Bruce was eating a beef and cheese taco, ALL BY HIM SELF.

Kiel started the conversation that is impossible to avoid, with my ever growing belly reminding us of the inevitable.

"We are going to have a new baby soon" He said nonchalantly

"I know." I agreed

"Are you excited?" He asked

"Yes and no." I pushed my dinner back and forth with my fork and looked up. He was waiting for me to explain.

"I'm sad for Bruce, we are totally messing up his perfect life. Pretty soon he is going to wake up and there will be a new baby. There is no way to warn him, no way to help him understand what is going to be here soon. One day he will be the only child, the next he won't. He won't get the attention he DESERVES anymore."

Kiel, who is always so logical and rational when I am illogical and irrational simply replied "Giving him a sibling is not going to mess up his life."

But I started to cry anyway. Somehow my brain or heart or whatever couldn't compute how it would all work out. I'm not concerned with loving two precious babies at once but how would he know I still loved him when my affection was going to be split? How could I say goodbye to a time in my life shared only with my son and no one else? Those busy mornings and slow afternoons just the two of us with cheese and juice and fishy crackers--gone forever?

It felt like prepartum depression.

I cried until I went to bed.

The next day Kiel was home and I made him put together Bruce's car at 9 in the morning. Bruce of course needed to be involved in every step (all 38 of them to be exact.) Once it was all put together we took Bruce for a stroll around the neighborhood. He was beyond thrilled. He turned the key, back and forth and back and forth again. He moved the steering wheel. He beeped the horn. And he stuck his arms out like he was riding an airplane as Kiel went super fast down the street.

After nap time, we decided that this day would be the day we got Bruce a big boy car seat.

So we packed everyone up and headed out to run errands. Our first stop was the cleaners and then the car wash. While we waited, I bought an astro pop and let Bruce have a bite. He thought it was too cold and didn't want anymore. Kiel took him to the pond so he could see the fish.

We sat down on the brick wall together, Bruce gripped my shirt with his left fist and pointed with his right hand at the fish. "Dat, dat?"

"Those are fish." I said. He just sat and stared, kicking his legs against the brick wall and after what seemed to be an eternity, he turned to me and said "uppeee, upppee."

I turned to Kiel, "Kiel, he wants up." Kiel scooped him up and tossed him in the air. Bruce laughed and wanted more. We then got into our clean car and headed to Walmart.

We speedily walked through the aisles, grabbed some socks for the boy and his car seat. Bruce happily sat in the cart swinging his legs back and forth and eating his grahm bunnies out of a plastic bag, occasionally he would take a sip of water. I quietly thanked God for the short check out line and out the door we went.

I put Bruce up in the front seat with me while Kiel switched out the car seats right there in the parking lot. I let Bruce play with all the buttons, and not one button went untouched. We then buckled him in and Bruce was able to ride in the car forward facing for the first time.

As we drove home, I would glance back at Bruce, his mouth wide open and his eyes so big they looked like they were propped open with match sticks. He watched in awe as traffic lights changed colors, cars drove through intersections and ambulances drove by with sirens.

When we got home it was time to go on another family walk and Bruce went around the block in his car. It was just as enjoyable as it was that morning.

Afterwards, it was time for the same routine; dinner, bath and bed. I sat in the rocking chair, while Kiel put on Bruce's pajamas. Bruce played his piano for a few minutes and then crawled to me for story time. We said prayers and then layed him down. "I hope you had fun today, buddy." And then we left.

And I know he will never remember a second of that day, but I will.

It was all for me anyway.

It's been raining at our house. Bruce and I have snuggled in pj's watching movies while Kiel heroically goes off to work. When night falls Kiel comes home after the baby has been tucked away in bed for a couple of hours. The days are smooth, busy and always left with unfinished business for the next day.

Bruce is happy, hungry and tired in 4 hour cycles.

When the clock chimes twelve times in the am my cute little baby that you see in the above picture turns into a gremlin that has been doused with water. Last night we awoke at 12, 1:50, 3:30, 4:20 and 6:50 by which time I finally gave up and turned on the tube. Bruce went back to sleep and I snuggled with him in our bed desperate for some shut-eye of my own. We awoke again at 10.

He greeted me with a smile and his legs did a happy dance and just like that he made the night worth it.

I used to be a 10 hour sleep person. The days were unbearable if I didn't get at least 8. I was never a morning person.

Motherhood has changed all of that. I miraculousy survive with only 4 hours a night. I have strength to take care of someone else while I feel under the weather myself.

There is something about us that physically changes when we become mothers and it's not just having extra fat on our bones; it is something much, much more.

Bruce's Birth Story

So, umm, yeah...labor.

It goes a little something like this:

Mom starts feeling contractions on a Tuesday as she's driving to a relief society event with home made bread in tow. (The first time I've ever made home made bread and please note it was good. Noted.) They are about 5 - 10 minutes apart and stay that way through Wednesday.


Dad takes mom to the hospital where she is monitored for 2 hours and contractions are now 2 minutes apart, plus they hurt. But after two hours they find she is only dilated to a 1 so out they go with instructions to come back if the water breaks or they get stronger. On the way home dad and mom stop at the frozen yogurt place and also get dinner. Contractions still come and still hurt. Dad draws mom a relaxing bath and mom sleeps there for an hour. Labor slows down.

Friday mom cleans light switches. Dad hangs out as the on - demand - back - rubber and food - retriever.

Saturday mom can't take it anymore and goes to the hospital again. This time she has a plan to demand that her water be broken. Plan fails mom and dad go home.

That night was the worst night ever, with contractions 5 to 10 min's apart and finally kicking into high gear at 5am with stronger contractions every 2 minutes. Back to the hospital, the nurse declares mom is still dilated at a 1 but looks so pathetic and tired that the nurse decides to admit her anyway.


Finally!


Water is broken around 11am, epidural is given shortly after and dilation takes off!


Mom is ready to push by 5pm. But asks for more drugs because she can feel her contractions. Nurse says it's better not to have anymore and it will be over in an hour. Mom pushes and pushes and 2 hours later still no baby.


Doctor says baby is posterior and tries to turn him.


Baby says screw you I like it this way. Another hour of pushing, the Doc finally says we need to re-visit different options.


Mom says "do what you have to do to get the baby out and bring on the drugs!"


Mom pushes for twenty more minutes while waiting for her favorite person, "the epidural guy." (he says he's not offended.)


Dad changes into scrubs and meets mom in the operating room.


Mom never feels so vulnerable in her life as she lies on the operating table completely exposed in front of 4 doctors and 3 nurses.


Ten minutes later baby is out.


Mom and Dad cry as they hear their baby cry.


Baby is weighed, given his i.d.s, swaddled and lays on mom's chest, while mom gets stitched up.


Thirty minutes later, mom is moved to the recovery room where she meets dad and baby.


Mom has the shakes for forty minutes but does skin to skin with baby. After an hour parents in the waiting room are allowed to come see mom and baby. Baby is introduced as Bruce Wayne Christensen to his grandpa.

A couple hours later mom, baby and dad are moved to their private room that they will stay for four days.


Four hospital days later mom and dad are able to go home with their brand new baby.

My Thoughts on Motherhood...so far

I don't know much but...

So far it's been a balance of kicks, jabs, rolls, and hiccups coupled with the loss of bladder control, backaches, sleepless uncomfortable nights and swollen feet.

I can't wait for the fun to begin and dread the day he experiences his first "owie."

I've declared that gestating for 9 months could quite possibly be the nicest thing I will ever do for someone, which means it is the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.

Happy Mothers Day to all of the great mothers I know...

My Inner Battle

Ever since I found out I was pregnant I've been battling with myself on what to do once the baby is born:

Do I go back to work? Or do I stay home?

I'm sure there are strong opinions that sway from one side to the other depending on whose reading this.

And I know that I am not just a Woman and I will not just be a Mother, but I am a Latter Day Saint Woman and will be a Latter Day Saint Mother and yes there is a difference. I am encouraged to stay home, I am promised multiple blessings to my family and children if I do so. But for some reason I am still trying to do both. Kiel and I worked out a schedule, he would be home with the baby 4 days out of the week and 3 days that next week and I would home with the baby 3 days out of the week and 4 days the next week. We share the duties 50/50. But it hasn't felt right.

My loving husband told me he doesn't need my help to provide, he can do that and will do that for his family. And it's not that I feel like I need to provide, but I do love my job. I like being part in an industry where woman thrive in the work place. I also have had a glimpse of how hard it is to be a stay at home mom and selfishly I would like to have a 4-day break. And I am afraid what will happen if I quit until my babies are ready for mom to go back to work.

So again, I battled.

And then I read this talk Mothers who know by Julie Beck

...and I finally swallowed what I had known all along. My purpose is not to become CMO in the beauty industry. I am to thrive in another job.

I am to be a Mother.

But not just a Mother, a Mother who knows how important it is to sacrifice.

Because as said by Julie Beck...

Mothers Who Know Do Less
Mothers who know do less. They permit less of what will not bear good fruit eternally. They allow less media in their homes, less distraction, less activity that draws their children away from their home. Mothers who know are willing to live on less and consume less of the world's goods in order to spend more time with their children—more time eating together, more time working together, more time reading together, more time talking, laughing, singing, and exemplifying. These mothers choose carefully and do not try to choose it all. Their goal is to prepare a rising generation of children who will take the gospel of Jesus Christ into the entire world. Their goal is to prepare future fathers and mothers who will be builders of the Lord's kingdom for the next 50 years. That is influence; that is power.

So soon I will be a Mother that stays home full time and cleans her husbands castle and a milk machine, burping rag and a zombie from lack of sleep...can't wait ;)