My best friend placed an ad on her blog to replace me as her best friend because I changed her last name on her face book page to say Bobit (hee, hee Beth Bobit) and announced on her status that she was making a bowel movement (double hee, hee) amongst other immature things, that she is still not laughing about. You can read the ad here if you are her blogger friend, it's pretty funny.
Dear Elizabeth Bingham,
In response to your ad placed in the Bobit Times (ha ha, still too soon?) I would like to consider being your best friend, but since this IS for eternity as you requested I have a few demands of my own (certainly not as long as yours) before we agree to agree to be eternal best friends.
First and foremost you MUST come to my place and eat all of the food that is almost expired and buy me dish soap, toilet paper, laundry soap and pots and pans. Also please don't forget to spill orange juice all over the fridge, that is VERY important because you also get to clean it up frantically.
Second, you must answer the phone when I call. I usually call in the mornings on my way to work, during my lunch break, on my way home from work and again in the evening. The evening call is often interrupted by my husband putting in his two cents every 5 seconds but still a very vital call and more often than not, his advice is worth considering.
Third, luckily for you my bridezilla days are over, but my birthing days are not. When I go through high stress situations such as these, you are demanded to be there for every conversation, every change and hold my hand as you make ALL of the decisions for me because I will not be in the state to do so. In fact I am never in the state to make decisions, your first job as my best friend is to decide what place mats I should buy for my dinner table (I still have no clue).
Fourth, you are to be my right hand for every event I plan. Events may include but are not limited to; Mad Hatter parties, 4th of July camping trips (next year Yosemite), Surprise birthday bashes, Hollywood themed bachelorettes, going away parties and much more. These events are to be planned in complete disarray but in the end come together smoothly and everyone leaves having the most fun they've ever had. If these events are planned with organization, I will immediately cancel our best friend contract.
Fifth, you are to buy me presents and laugh at my jokes.
Sixth, you are to listen to me obsess about Hollywood and talk about celebrities as if they are my family members. You are to relate with me on every reality show that exists and empathize with me when I discuss how devastating the disolvement of Jon and Kate's marriage is.
Seventh, you must like to take tons of pictures where ever you go and be willing to pose several times until the perfect picture is snapped. These pics will be posted on Face Book and famous blogs such as this one, so they gotta be good.
Last but not least, you MUST own a long board and be willing to go down the hills with me (I'm talking steep hills) EVERY 4th of July.
Benefits to being my best friend:
You get free advice from a man who grew up with 5 sisters and seems to know more about the woman than women.
You get to borrow my truck when you need help moving or you can get the man who grew up with 5 sisters to move the stuff for you.
A free place to stay with an ocean view, a couch that reclines and blueray movies.
You get to play with a dog, whose as big as a horse and thinks he's a person.
I cook awesome lasagna.
You will be the 2nd to know (I of course the first) when anything traumatic happens to a celebrity or if one is visiting my office.
If you agree to these things and want to be my best friend, you need to take down your stupid blog oops I mean ad and announce that the position has been filled AND you have to update my blogger link on your blog that was suppose to be done, DAYS ago.
Happy best friend hunting!
PS, you ain't never had a friend like me :D
No comments:
Post a Comment